I’m not a strong or brave person, even now…especially now. I feel so vulnerable, and I -know- that it’s just going to keep coming at me when we’re out, when I visit…just a whole bombardment of pressure.

This is soooo not healthy for me. I feel like burying myself under my pillows and covers and never, ever coming out again.

The second dream, I was in your room, lying on my side on your bed, looking quite obviously pregnant. I looked over at you and told you that id you really didn’t want this child with me, I could go get it terminated, and that we’ll tell everyone it was a miscarriage. No one would have to know the truth.

The third dream, I was standing over my baby’s cradle, wondering why I couldn’t hear it. I looked in and saw a very still baby, it’s eyes wide open, its whites and pupils completely black, unmoving. The mouth moved as if it was saying something to me, but I couldn’t make out what it was.

It’s now been about two hours since I first lay down to sleep, and now I don’t want to sleep at all. I woke up crying and bawling into my pillow, and now I’m just too scared to sleep.

Just putting this out there. You’ll probably never see it. I don’t think you read this blog anyway. But still…I just want someone to listen; I just want someone to know.

Modern society has its numerous hardships for single parents, low income partners, and most especially…our children. But if we can help the situation, our children needn’t gain those experiences. Sure, it’ll build character, but why consider inflicting such psychological influences upon that which is more than precious to us? Why make things difficult for them due to our shortcomings?

If you don’t wish to expand the family we are now creating and instead choose to build one of your own, then good luck to you. I hope you’re somehow able to make it work out…financially, emotionally, etc. My family will then just be me and my baby.

I’m in this for the long run. We make our own decisions. And no matter how difficult it’ll be, I will ensure the happinesses of myself and my own.

Gain the general disapproval of the smaller communities and organizations
Lose your friends

And thus begins the end of this chapter of my life…

In the meantime, on the homefront, you just have so much to complain about, don’t you? So let’s just set the record straight here.

The first thing I usually ever cook is rice. Why? Because it usually takes about 15 minutes to cook and then 5 minutes to sit, which gives just enough time to cook the main dish so that freshly cooked rice can be served with it. While cooking the rice, I cooked the steak, which, as we both know, was browning in the refrigerator. In a few days, it would’ve started turning green. Afterward I cooked the egg in the steak sauce left in the frying pan.

During that time, I saw the cauliflower in the refrigerator and knew that it, along with the steak, wasn’t going to last long. So I cooked it. As I said earlier on skype before you decided to drown me out, “What do you want me to do?” Hmm? I’m not going to throw it out when it’s not rotted yet but going to be. And for your information, although anyone with a good amount of sense would realize this, you CAN’T buy cauliflower by the florets. It’s just physically impossible. Why? BECAUSE IT’S SOLD BY THE CROWN IN. A. BAG!

But fine, whatever. Within this past year, no, not even…within the time I’ve known you, I’ve come to understand that anything, any single thing that I do for you…scratch that, that I just DO, is never good enough, that your arguments against me are always perfect and flawless and the most logical things Einstein could ever think of. Additionally, whenever I do actually feel like speaking up, you shut me off and become absolutely unapproachable.

Well, fine, I get it. In your mind, I will always be a simpering, pathetic little 17-year old who never knows any better and who will never grow up.

Have a nice fuckin’ day.

But when you’ve spent the past two years: March 2010, July 2010, November 2010, March 2011, April 2011, and May 2011 applying and looking for a fuckin’ stable-ass job that doesn’t involve sexual exhibitionism of any kind and come up with abso-fuckin’-lutely nothing, you kinda wonder if the problem is just with you and if you’re just meant to spend the rest of your God-forsaken life looking for a fuckin’ purpose.

Eventually you just get tired of trying.

So what do you do?  You spend your off-time (because believe me, you get plenty of it when you’re in my position) imagining yourself in every single worst-case scenario ever, spanning from being homeless and living in my car to driving down to Anigua in the middle of the night and walk around, hoping to be picked up to be sold in the human market…just so I have something to do with my life.

Yeah, it’s that bad.  Fuck the Bachelor’s Degree.  Why would a company normally want to accept a person who costs more into a minimum wage position?  Is it too much, really, to ask for -some- leeway?  Well, IS IT?!

If you haven’t realized by now, this post is all going to be just one big, giant rant.

So like, on a day where I’m feeling a bit depressed because a great friend of mine left…again,  best idea is to leave me alone to my thoughts and my reminiscing, possibly to an evening run to a coffee shop for our old times’ Irish Monkey binge…”alone” is the key word here.

Sitting in the Outrigger lounge, just thinking…thinking, because thinking is one of the best things you can ever do for yourself so long as you don’t overthink.  Just let yourself go, your emotions flying free for just that briefest moment of time, with not a care in the world except for you, your Irish Monkey, and your happy memories.

But no…no, I was not permitted such a luxury.  Time alone is precious time these days…too precious, limited only to the times I go run my errands and the times I go to the Symphony office to sort through things.

Someone told me today that misery is contagious.  For me, I’ve always believe that if you can’t adapt and overcome, you’re worthless.  I described it as knowing what direction you’re going and not taking the shortcuts or dillydallying along the wayside.  You waste time that way, time that could be better spent channeling whatever negative energy that you have into a positive force.  You can sulk and contemplate just how deserving of  attention you feel your situation is for however damn long you want, but if you’re not going to buck up and fix yourself, choosing instead to wallow in your self-imposed quagmire of self-pity, well…boo-fuckin’-hoo.  Grow a backbone.

Just pick a direction and go.

I’m not a perfect role model.  No one should aspire to be like me, and if they do, they’re idiots.  You should not wish to be anyone but themselves because that’s what makes them most endearing.  If there was one thing I learned from my parents, it’s that you never compare yourself to people lesser than you.  You look at all the other kids with the better grades that you wish you had and you FUCKIN’ GGPWN THOSE BITCHES!  You got a 100%?  I got a 110%, motha fucka.  In yo FACE!

What’s worse than simply comparing yourself to people whom you think are better than you is not getting off your lazy-ass and doing something about it.  And you know what?  I used to be just. Like. That.  Fuckin’ passive-aggressive behavior, motha fucka!

You feel like you deserve more?  You feel like the world owes you something for all of the…pains and, oh, the agony that you live through?  Don’t you fuckin’ wait for someone to tell you what to do.  Get up, shape up, and fuckin’ punt it, because if you don’t give as much as you’re getting, you will be fuckin’ miserable the rest of your insignificant life.

So, hey…you keep asking me “what’s up?”, “what’s the matter?”, “anything I can do?” like what you do can make a lick of difference in light of the bigger picture.  Get real.  I’ll handle my own life.  You handle yours.  It’s not about, “oh, she’s trying to assert herself as an independent woman” such bullshit.  It’s life.  There is no immediate problem.  I just want to be left alone.  Get-fuckin’-over-it!

I also left someone fairly disappointed today.  And guess what?  I get to do it all over again tomorrow…with someone else! *sarcasm sign*

Come on now…give me a break.

/rant *breathes heavily*

Basically, it was grilled salmon with slivered carrots, onions, green peppers eggplant, and alfalfa sprouts wrapped in a lettuce leaf wrapped in a seaweed…leaf. The concept of such a wrap itself is very intriguing and actually tasted really good.

However…I hate eggplant, onion, and bellpepper. Well, bell pepper I’ll eat, but I won’t like it.

In my imaginary salmon/seaweed wrap, I had smoked salmon, seaweed, tomatoes, and mozarella. Granted the cheese would soooo totally not go with the seaweed, but fuck! I’d eat it.

Now I feel eggplant down my throat and onion on my breath. Ugh…

As an adjunct in my university, I don’t think I get that benefit.  I think I might have that constant feeling of dread lodged in the bottom of my stomach until, near the end of the semester, my supervisors or my department secretary tells me that my services are no longer required.

But you know, four and a half hours later, after leaving this draft window open, going to lunch, bleeding my nose out, and having one of my stupid migraines from hell, the Man with a Machine Gun came to me and helped me realize that shit like this…there’s no point in stressing over it.  I’ve been watching Card Captor Sakura a lot lately, and that has also helped me remember that even when some destructive magical power takes away all of the things that you’ve ever loved, leaving nothing left in the world, you still can’t give up.  Likewise, when it feels like I’ve lost one thing I’ve learned to love doing, it’s not the end of the world, and it’s not worth quitting right in the middle for.

Perseverence is the word, isn’t it?

I can’t stop looking for that one thing I was destined to do…and maybe, teaching at my university just isn’t it.  So…until I know for sure, I just have to give it my all in hopes that everything will turn out just fine in the end.

Everything will be alright.